Because DWTS is a show that cannot stop
So, it's Monday night and the male celebrities are first to dance, so we're treated to what's probably my favorite part of any episode, professional dancing. The male pros come down on a big window-washer elevator, mugging like mad for the camera (sorry guys, you're all PWND by Maks at mugging). They're dancing to "The Boys Are Back In Town" and... it's the pros. They're awesome: sharp, strong, fast, and in complete sync. This is what they do and they do it well, especially as it's Louis' choreography. We get to see their individual personalities, too.
Aaron & Karina: He can't concentrate because Karina is pretty. That was cute with 17 year-old Cody, not so much with this guy. Cha Cha for them. Fantastic footwork, strong and sharp leg action. Needs more center flexibility and power, but great start. Karina looks like she mugged Lady Gaga for that outfit. 8.0/10.0
In the audience: some of the Backstreet Boys, naturally. Also, Gilles Marini, Shawn Johnson and George Hamilton. Marie Osmond and Jermaine Jackson (?)
Chuck & Anna T: They meet in his gym. He's a grumbly perfectionist who can't remember to smile, like most athletes. Foxtrot for them He's thinking really hard, putting a lot of effort into it, but can't relax. Surprisingly light on his feet, and he does manage a smirk here and there. She's adorable as ever. 6.0/10.0
Mark & Lacey: Lots of goofing around. They're trying to use his martial arts skills and apply them. Cha Cha to the obvious "Kung Fu Fighting". Lots of strength and some very nice hip action going on. Needs stronger footwork. The choreography was too simple and didn't give him enough to do. Solid start. 8.0/10.0
Edyta's bullet time still is a total beaver shot. Classy.
Ashley & Edyta: The idea that dancing with a former partner's son is "keeping it in the family" is kinda weird. He was in an accident that affects his mobility on one side. They have Foxtrot. He's not exactly spry, but definitely light and it's clean. Lacks power and doesn't show enough personality. 7.0/10.0
Donny & Kym: Marie has dared him to better her 3rd place finish. He's embarrassed being in a close hold because of boobs. Foxtrot, too. Wonderful theatrics and expression. Nice spring in his feet and movement across the floor. Lots of fun to watch and really good solid movement. 8.0/10.0
Louie & Chelsie: He's never seen an episode, but is trying hard. She makes him do pushups for mistakes. Another Foxtrot. It starts out very simple and kind of clunky, but picks up and smoothes out. Some coordination there, solid feet, nice posture, even. A good start. 6.5/10.0
Michael & Anna D: He was inspired by Jerry Rice as a kid, so they pin up a pic of Jerry in his afro wig. He talks to the mirror. Cha Cha now. He gets his hips moving well standing in place, it's okay when walking (of which there's lots) then gets all mincing in the actual steps. Good personality shows through. 5.0/10.0
Carrie Ann actually addresses Anna regarding the choreography, something that happens way too rarely on this show. Speaking of the judges, they are being really hard and specific in their critiques and are scoring 1-2 points lower than normal. I like it generally, but the US version of this show has always up-scored, so it's a little shocking.
Tom & Cheryl: They're looking to get him shaking and moving his hips. Cha Cha, too. Surprisingly spry in his feet and quick in movement. Good footwork, nice expression, even pretty springy. The theatrical stuff doesn't sit well on him, though, but he does try gamely. 5.0/10.0
Tom Delay on being judged: "I've faced lots bigger critics than them, I'm okay." Don't make me like you, dude.
And now for the big gimmick, the "Relay Dance". I actually kind of like this one, because it's a chance to compare the couples almost side-by-side. The four couples who performed solo Ballroom dances will compete in a Latin relay, and vice versa for the other four. The format is kind of a round-robin dance to a two minute song, with each of the four couples performing for a 30 second segment. The judges then rank the four, and the couples are given scores relative to that ranking (4th = 4 points, 3rd = 6 points, 2nd = 8 points, 1st = 10 points), to be added to their individual scores. Got all that?
Latin Relay: Salsa. Ashley has no hips and no speed; Chuck might have the start of hips; Donny is spectacular on all counts; Louie shows some groove, but not much else.
My order: 1) Donny 2) Chuck 3) Louie 4) Ashley (the judges agree)
Ballroom Relay: Viennese Waltz. Aaron's is rushed and frantic, but strong and fast; Mark's moves are kind of clipped and checked, but more in control; Tom is slow, but clean; Michael has no closed hold but some stretch.
My order: 1) Aaron 2) Mark 3) Tom 4) Michael (the judges agree)
Time for the female celebs to take the floor. We start out with the female pros getting their own group number to "She's A Lady", with the costume theme being black and sparkly. Lacey drew the short straw, I guess, and the barely-nothing costume, but I like Anna T's backless number way better. A lot of mugging/blowing kisses to the camera. Lacey (who choreographed!) & Chelsie go barefoot to do some leaps.
Samantha looks good with the bob hair, Macy Gray looks bored. Or stoned.
Debi & Maks: "Dancing is not a democracy," says Maks. Unsurprisingly, she's constantly running off at the mouth. Salsa for them. She's totally relying on him for everything, but she's at least keeping speed. Doesn't quite nail her turn and her energy slips a little late. Too much thinking, not enough strength. 6.5/10.0
Melissa & Mark: She's feeling awkward in motion and needs posture and balance work. Viennese Waltz is theirs. Small with not much travel, but the moves are controlled and balanced. Good composure, but she needs to relax and drive forward when it's her turn. Some nice expressiveness. 7.5/10.0
Mya & Dmitri: She's a tap dancer. "I'm not afraid to show my skills... or my chest," says Dmitri. We remember. Viennese Waltz, too. Great speed and very good lightness, lots of musicality. Very graceful. Needs power and heel leads and extension on kicks. More content next time, too. 8.5/10.0
A typical DWTS judging blowup, with Len insisting it wasn't a "proper" VW (which it was much more theatrical than figure-based, yes) and Bruno flabbergasted by this, though Bruno has now learned to turn around and get the audience on his side. This cracks up Karina, and Tom Bergeron deftly handles it.
Kathy & Tony: She was once asked to leave an aerobics class for being uncoordinated. Ouch. Salsa for them. They're keeping it careful and easy to keep her from losing speed, balance or control. No center movement at all. It's clean, but there's no energy or fire to it at all. 6.0/10.0
Natalie & Alec: She has a concentration face that is not at all attractive, so Alec wants her to smile when she's thinking. Salsa for them, too. Excellent footwork and leg action. She's definitely thinking hard, but it pays off. Good hips and center action. They drew slow Mambo-speed music, so that helps. 8.0/10.0
Samantha: "Natalie, you're used to having your face in the water. How weird is it to be wearing makeup?" Okay, seriously? Seriously?
Hmmm. Early set reports indicated that Ashley Hamilton was the worst dancer (considering his difficulty moving, if that wasn't common knowledge, okay), that Chuck Lidell was surprisingly light on his feet (check), that Mark Dacascos was fun to watch (check) and that Macy Gray really didn't want to be on the show. Let's see...
Macy & Jonathan: There's nothing enthusiastic about her interview, where she says she did the show because her mother likes it. Jonathan calls her "eccentric". Viennese Waltz. Lots of walking, and even that's not good. Awful arms. Either she really feels the music or is stoned. She moves okay. 5.0/10.0
I barely catch it, but she refers to the performance as having "busted her cherry", ballroom dance-wise. Classy.
In the audience: LaToya Jackson (?), Shawn J, Marie Osmond.
Joanna & Derek: She took dance lessons as a kid and says she's a hard worker. "I'm rough, I'm tough, I'm Derek Hough." Salsa for them. Some speed, very good connection and great chemistry. Nice expressiveness, excellent swivels. Tight, confident, needs a little more control. Very fun to watch. 9.0/10.0
Kelly & Louis: She never got to be a little girl growing up, so she wants to go tomboy to princess. Viennese Waltz. Solid work, if a little hesitant. Footwork strong, very light and graceful. She needs to relax more, but she lights up when she does. Very pretty and looks like she's having fun. 7.5/10.0
Ozzy & Sharon are in the audience. Sharon is weeping, Ozzy is... moved, I think. Kelly is crying, and I think Louis might be, too.
Ballroom Relay: Foxtrot. Natalie's is a little muscle-y but solid; Kathy's is a little too tentative; Joanna's is light and expressive; Debi shows good, strong following.
My order: 1) Joanna 2) Natalie 3) Debi 4) Kathy (the judges agree)
Latin Relay: Cha Cha. Macy seems more awake; Melissa shows nice swivels, but soft; Mya has excellent legs, tight; Kelly's is strong, fun and fast.
My order: 1) Mya 2) Melissa 3) Kelly 4) Macy (the judges say Mya/Kelly/Melissa/Macy, agreeing, incidentally with Sabrina Bryan's tweeted rankings)
Results show.
In the audience: Kelsey Grammer, Courteney Cox (who both have new shows on ABC). Shawn Johnson & Corky Ballas.
Encore performance: Kelly & Louis' Viennese Waltz. Beautiful and relaxed.
Male celebrities go first. Safe: Louie & Chelsie, Aaron & Karina.
Video package: "The Losers Club", funny interviews with Kenny Mayne, Jeffrey Ross and Penn Jillette. "Whoever gets eliminated tonight, we're saving your spot."
Safe: Mark & Lacey, Chuck & Anna T, Donny & Kym. Tom & Cheryl, Michael & Anna D.
Eliminated: Ashley Hamilton & Edyta Sliwinksa. He's very gracious and appreciative. Edyta is so ready, she has her speech prepared. She has never been eliminated in the first week, even with her worst partners, in nine seasons.
They premiere the video for Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA", but I think nothing could be so horrifyingly entertaining as the stripper pole performance of it.
Lady celebs. Safe: Natalie & Alec, Mya & Dmitri.
Video package: the guys get a locker room pep talk/shouting-at by Adam Corolla. Lots of good sports, playing along and laughing at themselves. Lots of fun.
Stars of Dance: the cast of Broadway's The Lion King, performing "The Circle of Life". Not a lot of dancing, per se, but a grand spectacle. This show is absolutely breathtaking in performance, and I'm in awe of the work the performers put into their animal movements.
Safe: Melissa & Mark, Joanna & Derek, Debi & Tony.
The show puts on a tribute to the late Patrick Swayze. First up are Dmitri & Chelsie dancing a theatre arts piece to "She's Like the Wind". Next Jonathan & Anna T do a great Viennese Waltz number to "Unchained Melody", ending it with a heck of a makeout session in the center of the floor. And of course, Tony & Cheryl reprise their adaptation of the final dance from Dirty Dancing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life". Tony leaps from the stage to dance back up to it with the other performers (you know the part I mean), adding Anna D and Louis to fill out the triangle. Cheryl runs to him and the overhead lift is shot so you can't tell he barely gets her up, let alone get his arms straight. Overall, it's very nice, but a lot less emotional than expected.
They ask Len about their tough scoring. "Some people blossom early, some don't," he explains, and at the last word, the camera focuses right on Macy.
Safe: Kelly & Louis, Debi & Tony (he thought it was them)
Eliminated: Macy Gray & Jonathan Roberts (he's so ready for it, too). "It was cool. I learned a little," was her entire appraisal of the experience. Jonathan is his usual classy teacher self, praising her highly. This poor guy seriously needs to be assigned a contender instead of getting stuck with clear losers (because let's face it, Marie Osmond coming in third was a fluke-- on performance night, Sabrina's comment was "That was painful. Poor Jonathan."). He's had it way worse than, say, Edyta who has had people with more potential that she's wasted by being an awful teacher. Up on stage, Debi says, "I feel sorry for her." Don't know who she means.
See you next week.
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